# What am I going to do?

My brain spewed out the following ideas and questions in the final weeks leading up to my departure from my position at Rabo Agrifinance at the end of 2024. Now in August 2025, looking back on this, I do think it accurately captures the way I sometimes feel.

And the final idea is one of my favorite things I've written. My time away from work focusing on training for the Bear 100 has, unsurprisingly, not gone exactly as I hoped or planned. I'm still not 100% sure what my life will look like as I come out the other side of this time off (although I of course have plenty of ideas still). But I know this time has been truly restorative and invigorating in a way that I feel I can move forward with more peace and better balance across my endeavors and pursuits.

Gotta do something.

Enjoy retirement.

Enjoy time off.

Make money.

Get a job.

Change careers.

Learn new skills.

Curl up in a ball and never do anything again.

Disconnect from society.

Starve.

Avoid everything that is even slightly uncomfortable.

Get lots of advice from lots of sources.

Implement none of it.

No one knows what "should" be done.

There's not a rule book.

Who do I admire?

And what do I admire about them?

Even if I accept that everything takes hard work, how can I know what is worth working hard for?

What careers am I competent enough to succeed in?

What do I want to do?

Why do I need to do anything?

What is the source of my angst?

Do I need to have a plan?

Can I embrace spontaneity?

What am I interested in?

What else do I need besides what I already have?

It's easy to ask questions.

It's harder to answer them.

Temporary certainties.

Potential curiosities.

Deconstruction and rebirth.

Metamorphosis.

I don't think caterpillars know they are going to turn into butterflies. They just know they need to build a cocoon.